I feel like I can move on, and not look back

I’m the worst writer in the world. I have neglected my blog even after promising myself that I would write in weekly. I could use the excuse that I have been too busy doing things and that I never got around to it, but that would be a lie. The amount of times I were lying in bed watching TV or sitting on Facebook scrolling through the same news feed that I read 13 hours earlier when I first woke up, could have been spent writing in my blog and putting my thoughts and feelings in to words on paper.

It has been two months and two weeks since my last entry and I am trying to run through my mind the thoughts of what I had been up to within that time frame.

So where to begin? How can I fit two months of events in one blog entry?

Someone that I met over the internet is someone that I officially met in person after six months of no contact. We have started to hang out on a weekly basis, but he is someone that I can’t get a read on. I don’t really get his personality. I mean, don’t get me wrong he does make a couple of smart remarks here and there that do keep me interested because he just throws them out there at random. I think that’s what generally keeps me interested in him. Other than that, I don’t really know why I stay so interested. We have hung out four times and there has not even been a kiss yet. I think after the second time we hung out, we went to the movies out by him, he was going in for it but I turned away just because I didn’t want to turn my head towards him for the kiss, and him not be going in for it and then there just be an awkward situation.  But after that, we have hung out a couple of more times, so we’ll see where that goes. If a friendship winds up being the outcome of the situation, I wouldn’t mind that.

I’ve been telling myself that I don’t want a relationship right now anyway because I’m still in school and I want full focus on finishing, and dating someone would be a huge distraction right now. However, I like feeling cuddled up with someone, but I find the whole “I’m focusing on school right now and don’t want to date” being viewed as me shielding off men and having a huge boundary and wall up, and a turn off to a guy.

But I think I may have found someone who I can turn to for the cuddling and the no strings attached, and someone I can just hang out with when I want to be physically satisfied. He’s nice and funny, and dirty which I absolutely love because and normally that is a turn off to me when people try to be dirty. But there’s something different about him. It was already established that relationships are not on the agenda right now. But at the same time, I think I may have screwed that up the other night because I drunk texted, yet again!

Stupid me. I may have come off as annoying and a little nuts. But some guys like crazy, right?

What can I say? I’m still confused about my life, which makes it unstable to even hold a relationship with someone. I should really just focus on myself. I stopped the whole “looking for someone” thing, but I find other people telling me, “this person would be great for you.”

Anyway, off the topic of guys, I started a summer class to get a jump on the credits I need to graduate by next spring, which is also the season that my sister is getting married. Did I mention that I’m supposed to be graduating the day before the wedding? I won’t even get to celebrate my graduation, and I am the first grandchild to graduate from college, not to mention the first and only one in my immediate family to graduate college. Maybe I shouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it, or maybe I should! My sister already told me that she doesn’t even want to go watch the graduation. Maybe I shouldn’t even invite my family to come to my graduation. There’s already going to be so much going on that week.

And I really want to start focusing on my career and getting out of New York and living somewhere else because I am absolutely over-tired of living in this state. Everyone is the same person and everything is so been there, done that. I need new scenery. I need new people in my life that don’t know my past, and I don’t know their past. I feel like I can move out and not look back.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s