Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I have so much built up inside of me and I need to let it out, but I’m just too scared to. I’m too afraid to let my mother know my feelings, the one person who should be asking me about them and talking to me every day about them. Every time I just think about what I want to say I just cry…because it hurts so much.

I don’t feel apart of this family, I really don’t. Sometimes I feel like a fly on the wall, sometimes I feel like I am being dissected by every action that I do. I’ve never wanted to disappear more in my life.

As I have stated before, I noticed this happening more when my sister got engaged back in the summer. It’s like, since she’s finally out of this house and found the person she’s going to be with, no attention is given to her by what she does and the actions that she performs. Meanwhile I hiccup and I get stared down because it was too loud. I can’t even talk to my parents about this because somehow I’m in the wrong. I still can’t get over the fact that my father admitted that Melissa gets away with things because she’s engaged. That was his reasoning behind it…unbelievable.

I was pushed over the edge tonight because I am finally getting my car back after my accident from three weeks ago, and I get to return this stupid gas-guzzling rental I’ve been driving. I calculated up how much I owe and it’s almost $1,200 and I don’t have that much. And it’s my fault that I don’t have that much in my account to pay for it because pardon me for putting almost $100 of gas in the tank every week, and buying food when I’m at school so I don’t pass out from starvation, same thing at work, and sorry for buying books that I need for school. Oh, and I’m sorry for making the kind gesture of buying my mom roses on Valentine’s day “from my dad”, because I didn’t think he would be able to get them for her himself, and buying my dad a birthday card and bags of candy for his birthday, even though he is borderline diabetic and I didn’t know about that. And I’m sorry for buying my own shampoo and soap and conditioner like an adult because that used to be one of the issues when my mom wanted rent because we used the shower supplies that she bought. OH, and back to my dad being borderline diabetic, I didn’t even know about that until I handed him the candy and my mom told me he can’t have it. Shows an example of the lack of communication that my mom and I have. Even if I saved up my paychecks I wouldn’t have enough money to pay for it. If my car was done last week, like the mechanic said it would have been, I could have afforded it then.

What nobody in this family knows though is that when I go to Colorado next month, not only am I going to visit my friend Matt, but I am also going to look for companies in my major who are looking for interns, or are hiring entry level position jobs so I can finally move out of this state and start my own life after I graduate. It’s not like anybody would really care if I leave, in fact I think they would be happy that I moved out.

Also, speaking of graduation, there’s a 90% chance I’m not even going to be able to walk at my own college graduation, the only one in the family that would actually do so, because it’s going to land on the same day as my sister’s wedding.

It just hurts. All I have is myself.

And I know someone is thinking, “oh stop feeling sorry for yourself you stupid bitch”, but I’m not strong enough to handle all of this. So you know what? I’m going to feel sorry for myself, so fuck you.

Ask me how many friends I have at school – none.
Ask me how many friends I have at home – maybe, two?
Ask me how many “friends” I have at home – a whole group.

It just all piles up and I have no way to let it out.

I wanted to spend tonight with my sister because for once she’s not with her fiancĂ© tonight and she was able to hang out with me, but that came to a screeching holt when my mom came in to my sister’s room to talk about this fucking rental car situation.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I know I need to talk about it before I do anything stupid or crazy.

And I’m sure if I talk to someone about all of my issues it will somehow timeline back to years before this, and I am not mentally stable to handle that.

Crying myself to sleep it is tonight.

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