lost…

im so unhappy, it’s upsetting to other people.

I don’t like where I live, the area itself, the place itself. I have been ready to move on from this place for a long time. Its not that I don’t necessarily like the people I live with, I just wish things were different where I lived. how is it okay that someone my sister knew for a couple of months, that they sleep over? not that I don’t love the kid who is going to be my future brother in law, but I don’t feel like I can bring anyone home because they will be judged. if I didn’t live at home still…my life would be so different, better probably. I would have more fun because I don’t even like living at home. I actually hate where I live. fuck it. this family really does stink. I love my family im not saying that I don’t like/love them, it’s just too much. I understand that they’re trying to give us values, but how much can I learn from two alcoholics? I know they’re not happy, so why should I try to be?

and that’s where this is all leading to…

im so unhappy, with everything.

im unhappy with the my relationship status. im unhappy of my living situation. im unhappy with who I am overall.

relationship status: yeah, im single….im supposed to “live it up”, right? well ive been there and done that and I realized I love being in a relationship so much better. I like focusing my attention on one person. I like that person being my best friend…I hate that I don’t have that anymore. my best friend is married, that right MARRIED to someone else now. I admit that im not completely over the relationship but that’s because I lost a best friend, not because I lost a lover. this guy knew everything about my life, every little thing. that’s why I am still attached to him, because he knows so much. he’s what I know, or knew. I don’t feel courageous to open myself up to anyone like that anymore because he took so much from me. we were so in love, we were so happy….at some point at least. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him at times, which some of you would understand from a previous post. but ever since then I haven’t found anyone that feels towards me what I felt towards him..yes ive dated people, yes ive seen people but they haven’t felt for me what I feel I felt towards him…does that make sense? he’s what I know…and im looking for someone who can change the way I think…so far, no luck…

living situation: I would LOVE to be living on my own right now. I loved it when I was away at school. I wish I had that same situation now, but the reason I am not living at school is because I am working now and because my family cannot afford it. I would love to be living in a place of my own right now, especially because my sister is moving out soon and I feel like ever since my sister found her current boyfriend/finacee all eyes are on me, and I hate it. I don’t like where I live. this house is a hell hole to me. I have had more bad memories than good, especially since I don’t remember my childhood….I really don’t. and that’s sad. I feel like more people remember their childhood based on happy households. well, I grew up with alcoholics and have been trying to better my life around that, which is why I moved out and lived away for two years at college.

I look back on it now and yeah, even though I was happy with Andy at the time, I wish I lived at school for my entire college career. I made such a stupid choice of living back home.

I don’t know who I am, and I know that plays a big role in friendship, relationship, so on and so forth.

I would love if someone could explain to me what they see in me, when they see me truly.

who am I ? I feel like im someone who gives up to people too easily…meaning I care for people too easily. I cant help it, if they find interest in me as a person, I care for them for caring for me. but I don’t really know who does care for me. I don’t have many friends, if any, and I admit that. I stay home every weekend and go out on Thursdays with people who I think are my friends…but are they really? how many of them have met my parents? I’ll tell you how many….ONE! and that’s because our parents know each other. I love this girl to death but I know her through family. I don’t know if I would ever know her besides that, but I am happy I do and I am happy she is my cousin.

I have made bad choices in my life. I don’t know where I am going…and I don’t expect other people to know where im going…

I am a mess.

I don’t know how else to explain it. I could keep going on but I feel like it would lead to too much that nobody cares about, because why would people care about it? nobody reads this….I get two hits from twitter and that’s probably from random people. but, whatever.

I’m just….lost I guess. ugh.

I left the title blank, because that’s how im feeling…

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