…is it for the better?

I find myself thinking a lot like, “is this really what I should be doing?”

Feelings take over me and I do things I normally wouldn’t do. I am a person that used to know her limitations, and I’m becoming more unlike myself.

I was always an independent person and I am becoming more independent as I get older, more mature, and more distinguished. I used to have to ask people to come out with me and meet up with my friends because I had an insecurity about going out alone. I don’t know why I was always insecure about going out alone. Maybe I thought that I wouldn’t know how to hold conversation, or that everyone would ditch me and I would be left alone in the corner with no one around me. I believe that I am becoming more mature in the sense that I am starting to go out alone to meet up with other friends, the people who originally invited me out and made plans with. Those are the people that I thought would never give me the time of day, or would even welcome me to come out in the first place.

I believe all of this happening is making me a happier person. It takes a lot for someone to come out of some things in their life that brought them down. Sometimes it’s a friend that brings you down, and it takes losing them to grow. This transformation into this new personality and this new confidence stemmed from a recent friendship ending.

Someone who I thought was my best friend randomly stopped talking to me, and is trying to bring our whole group of friends along with her. She said that I am a negative person, and I think too negatively. I know sometimes I can be a little negative, but who hasn’t ever felt or thought negatively? The experiences that people go through should not be kept inside, people need to vent. I’m trying to be a more positive person. I have been trying since before this friendship ended. I look back on conversations that I had with this person and yes, I’ll admit that the conversations did turn towards me talking about a certain ex-boyfriend, but that mainly happened when I was highly intoxicated with alcohol and little things that made me think of him were around. A song on the radio, places that we used to go to get food, a movie. These memories happen for everyone. And up until recently, I needed to let these feelings out. I went though a really tough time at that point in my life. But as a friend, in my eyes, you listen no matter  how annoying or repetitive it is.

This person is no angel either. She has gone through break ups, and family issues, and I have always been there, maybe not standing right there at times, but I was always there to listen. This is a girl that hates everyone in our town. Everyone that she feels that did her wrong whether it was in high school or not, she holds a grudge and the people that I am okay with, she’s not. It’s a part of growing up, and she has the gall to say that I’m a negative person. When you walk into a bar, or somewhere social, and you feel like all of these people that you don’t like are staring at you, and keep looking over at you, and you think they’re talking about you, that’s paranoia.

Why do you have to make everything about you and make you the center of attention always? Then good, don’t be my friend anymore because I am tired of changing the light bulb for your damn spotlight! But if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, stop liking pictures I post up on social networks and pretending that you’re not talking shit about me behind my back to everyone because I know you, and I know who you are. Don’t forget that. You’re the original miserable person who brought it out of everyone else.

I am more happy now than I was a month ago, and I haven’t even thought about half the things I used to that made me unhappy. So, I do have to thank you for that, for helping me let go of my fears and thoughts that made me upset.

At the same time, I’m losing a sense of who I am. I’m changing…but is it for the better?

Is it even me that’s changing, or is it everything around me that’s changing and I’m just staying in neutral?

Everyone wants to feel accepted, whether it’s at their job, school, by their family…

I just want happiness for myself, and I want to be surrounded by happy people and I feel like I should be helping these people be happy as well. I try my hardest to make people happy, and laugh, and want to be around me more. I want to be accepted by these new people that I recently started hanging out with. It’s little by little, but I like these people. They’re fun, they’re happy, they make me laugh.

Sometimes I feel like to be accepted, I have to act more irresponsible though. I don’t normally act the way I do when I am with them. It’s not completely different than who I am, it’s just shown more.

I just have to remember that I shouldn’t lose touch with the person I am. Try not to lose the morals and values that took me 22 years to build and learn from my parents. I just wish I had more freedom from them. It makes me miss living away at school.

This entry may have been all over the place, and for those who read it I apologize. I’m just writing these things down straight from my head which is all scattered…I need to clean some things out of my mind, stop over thinking, start writing it out.

I don’t want to change who I am, I just want to become a better version of myself, and learn more about myself.


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